Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
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“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.