My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
You Might Also Like
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I ate everything, including the H.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.