me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
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What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later