Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
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im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us