Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
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“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist