Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
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Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
moms in horror movies
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
his wife is probably gonna see that
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing