I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
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My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.