John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
You Might Also Like
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Lmbo