About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
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When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
BRO LMFAO
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
only 11 steps left
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.