ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
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My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Human are so complicated
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
cat vs inanimate object
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces