You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
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the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
That earthquake could have been an email.