The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
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me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.