My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
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I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
*seductively eats two tums*
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
it be like that
a god among men
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
I wanna be friends with this person
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.