*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
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Festive toon…
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing