Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
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my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Software Development ⛵️
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.