“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
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ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.