I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
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Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Lol.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.