People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
You Might Also Like
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.