We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
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“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Rambo Rambow
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.