I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
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Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you