A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
You Might Also Like
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
I’m dying louder than usual today.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered