Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
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Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*