Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
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Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Doctors texting each other.