When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
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Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.