I think I’ll stand
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Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*