Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
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“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
is this how new cars are made??
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.