Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
You Might Also Like
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!