There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
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When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.