State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
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I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.