Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
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oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.