The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
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who will stop them
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta