almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
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2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?