Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
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[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Woke up with morning Yule Log
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.