I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
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Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Stonehinge
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
me and my fake scenarios
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.