Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
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Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
*exercises sarcastically*
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
when the buffet is more honest than your date