lol
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Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”