My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
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Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
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Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
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