*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
You Might Also Like
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS