Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
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Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Dating in your early 20鈥檚:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40鈥檚:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor鈥檚 arbory
No weirdos
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 馃檪
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you鈥檙e still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.