Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
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Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Saturday
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense