Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
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The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.