I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
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My favorite type of men is ramen.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
A dad and his duck
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore