The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
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I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.