Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
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Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”