fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
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You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.