As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
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Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
my fav colour is also hitler
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so