At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
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Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Just this preview of the story is enough
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
peeping toms
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
181.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.