[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
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If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.