The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
You Might Also Like
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Free him
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you