Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
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If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake